ngayong gabi lang ako walang gagawin.
argh. yet i’m still find it difficult to blog a blog. as in yung karapatdapat na tawaging blog. argh.
i think i’m turning into the apathetic atenean stereotype everyone is expecting an atenean will be.
shet. i need to be proactive and start thinking!
i will not let apathy destroy me!
promise tomorrow meron na akong worth it na blog entry!
as in!
relax muna ngayong gabi. just finished finance groupwork. i’ve also been busy with ams work and other stuff.
pero, what the heck, i’ll try typing off the top of my head nalang.
i think this is where the so-called “apathy” starts. when you get lost in the banal everyday routine. like what david foster wallace said, we must realize that the thing most important in our lives is right under our noses, we just forget about it. that’s the task of education – for the educated to learn how to think of the obvious, to continually remind ourselves over and over and over again that we must overcome the pull of being apathetic. one of my favorite songs from the musical [title of show] is “a way back to then”:
I aimed for the sky
A nine-year-old can see so far
I’ll conquer the world and be a star
I’ll do it all by the time I’m ten
I would know that confidence
If I knew a way back to then
So I bailed on my hometown
And became a college theatre dork
I was eastbound and down
Moving to New York
So I crammed my life in a U-Haul
To find my part of it all
But the mundane sets in
We play by the rules
And plough through the days
The years take us miles away
From the time we wondered when
We’d find a way back to then
i think i also need to find my way “back to then”. argh. when we were discussing the whole “getting lost in the mundane shit” in philo class just last month, i thought i was still far from experiencing that kind of “ploughing through the days” setting. not knowing that i’m already in that kind of phase.
i have a feeling i’m losing my focus. i’m not sure yet. i don’t know. back in highschool, i was so sure of what i’ll be. and that courage in facing this “reality” that college is supposed to prepare us to face… i don’t think i’m feeling it right now. i don’t know. wah! i need to stop typing “i don’t know” and start coming up with real reasons!
i need to reflect again. i need to reserve a moment everyday in just trying to find out what the heck i’m doing this for. this “living” that everybody is too busy dealing with. argh. [i think i also need to stop typing argh].
i think i’ll start by reading books again. seriously reading them, not some summary off of cliffnotes or some other summary website. 1st on my list: pride and prejudice. wish me luck in finishing it amidst a demanding acads sched, equally demanding org work, and other demanding mundane living shiz.
why do we busy ourselves with these mundane tasks anyway? one of my classmates said because “it is part of life.” yet, can it still be considered “part of life” when it takes away your focus from life? argh.
BAKIT BA KASI MAY PHILO! AYAN SUMASAKIT ULO KO!
i know everyone’s saying that 3rd year is a rite of passage, because this is the start of the “brainwashing”, or as some might call it, “enlightenment”. i don’t know. all i know is that i’m growing confused of things. what do i do? what do i need to do? what do i need NOT to do… crazy crazy crazy.
maybe ignorance really is bliss. i shouldn’t have discovered that “i do not know”. maybe i’m better off not knowing that i do not know anything.
but will that path be worth it? hindi ko na malalaman. eh nalaman ko na na hindi ko alam eh! i can’t go backwards in the path of knowing.
shet, may nakakaintindi pa ba ng tina-type ko?! hahahahahaha.
tapos, isa pa tong math195 na yan! argh! and other acads! each professor expects us to be 24-hours focused in their subject. between all my subjects (a total of 6 this sem), that’s 144 hours a day!!! what the heck!!!
bakit ba ganito ka-hell ang 3rd year?! why am i suddenly experiencing a sudden and drastic paradigm shift in my life?! [hindi pa nga ata fully-realized yung "shift" eh, kasi naguguluhan pa ako].
WAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!! I NEED TO DO SOMETHING!!!! SOMETHING TO MAKE ME FEEL… i don’t know… worth it?!
feel ko matatawa nalang ako sa sarili ko pag nabasa ko tong blog entry na to.
mukhang walang sense. pero i don’t care. it’s a start in getting back in the game of writing weird shiz.
sige na tama na. feel ko pigang-piga na utak ko.
haha. feel ko tama nga yung inverse relationship ng english knowledge and math knowledge. typing this meaningless crap makes me feel brain-drained. at least ang ibig sabihin nun, gumagaling na ako sa math!! woohoo!!!
sabaw.
tata. sige na. stopping this rant.